he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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