Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
