just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
