so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
