just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
