I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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