Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
