the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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