Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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