Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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