sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
