I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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