I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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