Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
