I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
