Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
