I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
