u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
