Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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