dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
