Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
