Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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