this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
