im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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