Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
