she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
