she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You don't make any sense
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