somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
