Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
