Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just want to make out with him forever
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
