you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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