Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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