suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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