If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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