im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
