Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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