I CAN MOONWALK!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize