This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
