I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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