tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
