stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
