On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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