Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
