he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I faked an abortion last night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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