if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
