first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
