he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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