There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
