Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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