I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
