my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
